euthanasia for beginners; after one semester the rules of the boarding house closed in on me, not slowly or gradually but an instant insecurity, not about myself (i was good at that already) but about a life which i could not ever be a part of; delusion. just looking at the torture filled me with such fear and apprehension i was forced to escape into the dark.

i know i wanted to kiss him from the first time i saw him in physics, cocksure with his white t-shirt, cargo shorts but eyes which betrayed his brazen demeanour towards the other boys. it never serves being pessimistic but the anxiety still didn’t dissipate through god knows how many encounters.

i saw derek jarman’s angelic conversation; moving images which try to explain my life’s commitment: don’t run.

when she offered to help me i was reluctant, but i moved in anyway, she asked her friend to give me a lift to campus. i trembled excitedly as i waited or maybe it was just chilly that morning on the diveway; the car raced up the hill and came to a shocking halt centimeters from me.

déjà vu. a 70’s fiat brava like my father had, he used to work on it in his garage on weekends, i remember it had problems with the distributer and the timing.

opening the passenger door from the inside with his foot still on the brakes he smiled; ‘hey, aren’t you in my physics class?’ in that moment; the smell of cold vinyl, cheap cologne, old cigarettes, the heater blowing on my erection.

i hated waiting. the hopeful solitude, which empties one up inside while the tap is still running. not like today, those days waiting might as well have been an eternity in the rain.

a fleeting ornamental excitement: the last hard repetitive breathing before your cum treacled down my neck; i think i might even have hated you, like the knife which cut me from the beautiful silence.